Here and Now

I'm usually glad when February arrives. Even when the weather is bad, which is normal for February, but not this year it seems. But when it comes, it means January is finished and done with. Why am I glad when January is over? First and foremost, it's the month in which my husband passed away, four days before my January birthday. Before that, as I got older, January signaled that I was, in fact, getting older.

In and of itself, getting older is not such a bad thing. If our minds are mostly normal, it means we've attained maybe a modicum of wisdom just by virtue of living so long. At least, I sure hope I have. I really wouldn't want to relive some of my younger years. Some I didn't deal with too well. Bad and unpleasant things happened during some of them which I sure don't want to relive. Good memories, now those would be a blessing to live and enjoy again, but as the saying goes, we must take the good with the bad. So I'll just stay in the here and now.

My life is not perfect now, far from it, but good things are still happening to offset those not so pleasant. One of the better parts of older life, I've learned to accept myself, warts and all, and to expect those who wish to remain in my life to accept me, too. I accept others, just as they are. If I don't agree with them on some things, well, that's why we live in a free country. Hard as it is to believe, some probably don't think the way I do! And actually that makes the world a more interesting place. I like hearing, reading and discussing how others may see life, if it's in a civil manner. Otherwise I can choose not to engage. And do. And life goes on.

Ends and Beginnings

I kind of dreaded this day before it got here. Then the week-long winter storm just before it kind of distracted me. But now it's here. The fifth anniversary of the fourth major event in my life that brought a totally new landscape to it. The first was marriage, of course, the second, motherhood and third, becoming a grandmother when my daughter's son was born. Then five years ago the fourth event, when my husband of more than fifty years left me and this world. It was not unexpected. He'd fought the good fight for almost three years, trying to come back from a major stroke. But he regained negligible use of the left side of his body and both mind and body slowly deteriorated. By the end, he sometimes knew me, but hardly anyone else. Watching the slow sinking of this shell of the strong, full-of-life young man I'd married was hard.
Now carrying the everyday responsibilities of life alone was permanent. I knew I was and am a strong woman, and my husband had never hindered me from becoming stronger through the years. But I was still a little surprised at how hard I was hit, and the amount of time needed to regain my equilibrium.
A somewhat unexpected fifth event helped me during the months prior to and after my husband's death. The birth of a precious great grandson. And now there are two, and the goal of being around to watch them grow up, in addition to personal achievement goals, keeps me looking forward to each day. Who knew such joy could come following the end of a big part of one's life.